Christmas Gifts 101

Christmas Gifts 101
There's a fine art to getting someone you don't like a gift. Obviously for some reason you have to get them a gift or you wouldn't be buying them anything. It's someone you ended up getting saddled with at work in a Secret Santa, a stepparent you can't stand, a sorority sister that you hate, or your skanky sister's newest boyfriend's son. Since you'd look bad showing up with a bow on a can of motor oil you just picked up at the gas station moments before, you actually have to bring something that looks like you're sincere. Here's the beauty of it though. You get something that you know they will hate. Something that basically tells them that you can't stand them. As soon as they unwrap the gift they will immediately know how you feel about the. Everyone else knows it's a crappy gift, but they think you just didn't know what to get that person. The extra plus is everyone ends up telling them all night that it's the thought that counts. Yes it is. So it's Christmas Eve or 10 AM on Christmas morning and you still haven't bought the person that you can't stand a gift. Everything is closed. Every place, except the grea-*test*-('") place in the world to shop for people you hate - Truck Stops. That's right. No waiting in line, cheap gifts, and they're open 24 hours a day. Truck Stops always carry a ton of useless weird crap, too. You can really get that person you hate a bizarre gift that screams FU loud and clear to them, but let's everyone else think you're such a nice person for really putting thought into it. aspen-cologne-boxsetGift Idea: Box of cheap cologne. Example Aspen Boxed Gift Set. Gift For: Teenage boy you hate. What you say when you're giving it \\"Here you go stud. Pretty soon you're going to start liking girls and you don't want them to think you stink.\\" What you're really saying: With the offhanded insult you're saying he hasn't matured like the other boys his age. You're also telling him he stinks. It's always fun to reinforce those images of self-doubt in teenager's eyes while they're going through their awkward stage. It's cologne, aftershave, aftershave conditioning gel, shaving cream. If he actually uses all of this stuff the only way he could reek even more of Aspen is if you bought the deluxe-boxed gift set that includes the Aspen enema. He'll probably end up using it since he thinks it will help him with girls and he's too cheap to buy anything good. His one and only love with be online gaming where people can't smell you in real life. He'll turn into a 30-year-old virgin that still lives with his parents. unicornfuzzy black velvetGift Idea: Black Velvet Unicorn Color It Yourself Poster Gift For: Teenage girl you hate. What you say: \\"I hope you're not too old for this yet. I couldn't remember if you liked stuff like this or not still.\\" What you're really saying Even though she may be one of the biggest hoochies in her grade you're still saying she's a little girl. This will cause a personality divide. Chances are her mom will make her color it and hang it in her room to try to \\"keep her as the little girl she loves\\". This will make it extremely awkward when her friends come over and she has her little unicorn poster hanging up above her bedroom. This will probably lead her to experiment with lesbianism and cause her to be confused about her sexuality for some time. santa with musclesGift Idea Hulk Hogan's movie Santa with Muscles (VHS) Gift for Stepfather or older man you hate What you say \\"I know how you're always talking about movies\\" What you're really saying \\"You'll never be man enough for my mother. If Hulk Hogan were here he'd bitchslap you and then use you as a pillow to prop my mother's legs up higher in the air while he pile drives his impressive manhood into her.\\" The plus side of getting the VHS is most people don't even have a VCR or it's a pain in the butt to get it out and hook it up. You should be able to get this gift for a couple of dollars. a country christmas cassettGift idea Horrible Christmas Cassette. Example: A Country Christmas Volume 1 Gift for Stepmother or older woman you hate What you say: \\"I know how you keep talking about wanting to lose weight and since it's around the holidays I thought this would make a great workout tape for you.\\" What you're really saying: I can't stand you. You're fat and have horrible taste in music. Some will inevitably ask them to play the tape. Since 92% of the English speaking population in the world does not have quick access to a tape player she will be forced to spend the next few hours digging through closets and in the attic looking for 'that stupid cassette player'. By the time she finds finally finds the player you'll be leaving and she will be forced to play the entire crappy tape for the one person that really enjoys it and won't leave. confederate flag keychainGift Idea Confederate Flag Bottle Opener/Key Chain Gift for Anyone else that's left What you say: \\"I know how you like Dukes of Hazzard.\\" What you're really saying: I hope you get killed. Make sure you get them to hand you their keys so you can put them all on it for them. What will probably happen is someone in a convenience store will stab them when they pull out the keys to their car and someone thinks they're a racist prick. With just a handful of change and a few minutes you can give the perfect gift that really tells someone how you feel, because remember it's not the gift that counts, it's the thought behind it. Other quick and cheap gifts you can buy at a truck stop Christmas morning: -Lighter with skull and crossbones -Can of Vienna sausages (barbeque) -Lottery ticket -Gas card -Congratulations on the birth of your baby card -Can of redbull -Ice scraper -Candy bar -Package of pens

Priceless... I've given gifts like those before... mostly to people I hate... What I can't figure out is why I'm giving them shit anyway if I hate them... oh yea, I hate xmas too... BAh humbug.

Kiloka, you need to change your name to Scrooge LOL :D Like the ideas jan, i must remember them for this year. my sister is so sad that last year she bought my 2 girls a tree (yes thats right a tree) to sponsor. you should have seen the look on their faces when they opened the envelope, it was priceless. needless to say that they h8 her even more now than they did before that. i would buy her a life for Xmas but i'm too cheap.

More bad gift ideas.. I don't have any family, so there are no worries here... 1. Clown Art – in the form of prints, statues, T-shirts and towels. Who knows, clown art might make resurgence in the years to come, but for now, resist the urge to purchase anything clown-related. Whether it’s a happy clown or a sad clown, the receiver of your gift will resemble the latter. 2. Homemade Sweaters – Remind yourself that the person who knitted the garment at least thought enough of you to take the time to create it, regardless of how itchy and ill-fitting it may be. 3. Puzzles – A good puzzle can be a great way to get the family together. However, be wary of giving a puzzle to anyone between the ages of 15 to 25. This age group sees the concept of working on a puzzle akin to watching grass grow. 4. Tube Socks – Many stores carry them in packages of three at prices thrifty holiday shoppers can’t refuse. Retro is in, but not THAT in. 5. Ties – Ugly ties, along with the fruitcake, have become a bad gift cliché. Yet, both items arrived in droves at last year’s Bad-Gift Boycott. Ladies, trust us, go easy on the ties this year. 6. Exercise Videos/Diet Books – Even if the package is adorned with multiple bows, it is impossible to give a gift of this ilk without offending the receiver. A gift/hint of this nature is as subtle as a battering ram. 7. Undergarments – Women typically choose boxer shorts with overly cute designs that men can’t wear to the gym. Men typically choose something too risqué -- your average woman wouldn’t wear them in a million years. Men, trust us, go easy on the lingerie. 8. Padded Toilet Seat – What were you thinking? 9. Sausage Sample Pack – Sausage is best in small quantities. Very few people really, truly have a need for 10 different kinds of sausage at any one time. 10. Drug Store Perfumes – It’s cute if a very young boy buys it as his first gift for Mom, other than that, cheap perfume is wrong on too many levels to actually list.

If you’re not already, you’ll soon feel the pressure of finding the right gift for that special person on your list. It’s fair to say that a certain percentage of the population has the inability to buy the right gift. Gift Givers in the following classifications give most of the ill-conceived gifts. If you fall into any of the categories, here's some advice on how to break the bad gift cycle: The Procrastinator Procrastinators are the people (mostly men) who are forced to fight for parking spaces at the mall on December 24th. Once in the mall, they find most stores have a limited stock on hand, heavily depleted from all those annoyingly, calm people who buy their gifts in advance. Rash and often regrettable gift decisions are made as procrastinators scurry from store to store with a wild-eyed look of desperation. Solution: Turn off the football game, create a list and make some purchases well in advance of the 24th. Spend the holiday with your family instead of the other procrastinators. The Homemade Gift Giver Homemade gifts have the potential to be the most thoughtful and touching of all gifts, if done properly. Keep in mind that just because you are thoughtful, it doesn’t make you an artisan. Craft projects tend to get better with time and trial and error. Waiting until the last minute and passing off first attempts at craft projects is a bad gift waiting to happen. Solution: Collect your materials and do a dry run of your project as soon as possible. The last-minute scramble adds undue pressure at a busy time of year and leads to sloppy work. Only give homemade gifts that you would proudly display in your own home. Re-Gifters Scrooges and penny-pinchers are known to fall into the re-gifting trap. More often than not, the gift you didn’t find any use for is equally useless to your intended target. Solution: Re-gifting can provide comic relief if the receiver is in on the joke, but if you intend to “recycle” a gift from previous years and pass it off as a bona fide gift, be sure to remove any evidence of the crime, i.e. price tags, old cards, etc. The Giver of Self Improvement Even if your heart is in the right place, the gift of a diet book or hair removal system can only lead to disappointment and a barrage of, “Aren’t you happy with the way I look?” related questions. If your mother-in-law has a weight problem, chances are she could do without the reminder as she sips her spiked eggnog. Solution: Only give a self-improvement item if you are certain the receiver has it on their wish list. Aside from that, you run the serious risk of offending someone. The Clueless Dad Most teens will say their dad fits this description. Clueless dads typically have their wives do the lion’s share of the shopping, but feel compelled to make a quick trip of their own to add a personal touch. Forget even going to the mall, this person makes one stop to the local drug store and hastily finds a gift for each person on his list. Solution: Shaking the “Clueless” tag can be difficult. Try talking to your kid’s best friend. A quick consultation from a friend can yield some great ideas. If all else fails, a gift certificate for the mall music store is always a welcomed gift. Imagine the looks of shock and joy on their faces after they open a gift from you that is actually cool. The Ultra Conservative Gift givers of this type refuse to go out on a limb and risk the chance of giving something the receiver can’t use. Look for them during the holidays in the area of the store that sells socks or in the department that sells pocket umbrellas. Solution: Try something more fun this year, like tickets to the local theater or a certificate to that hip new restaurant in town. It’s safe to say that your loved ones have enough umbrellas. Most families have one: despite setting a spending limit for gifts, there is always one person who ends up going overboard. It’s a little uncomfortable for the rest of the family who abided by the limit because it makes them seem somehow less generous. Solution: Stick to the limit and resist your urge to overspend by giving thoughtful gifts within the budget that reflect the personality of the receiver. Your credit card bill will be easier to handle as well.

And on the subject of crappy gifts and children... Kids always think they can just hand you some piece of garbage that they twisted around in their grubby little hands for a few minutes and everything is fine. Listen up you filthy little animals. I'm putting a stop to that right now. 8-year-old kids in other countries can make 100 pairs of shoes in one day and you can't even make me one pair of new kicks over the course of a week? I'm no longer accepting junk gifts from little kids any more. This will save me the time of just having to throw it away later. Keep an eye out for some of this crap that kids might try to pass off as a real gift. kid silhouette It's not even a freaking picture. It's a picture of your shadow. It's something I could see anytime I wanted to since I own a flashlight. All I have to do is shine it into your beady little eyes. It reminds me of that Michael Jordan cologne. Are you trying to compare yourself to the grea-*test*-('") basketball player ever? Let's go then. Get on the court. I'm 6'6\" you're 3 foot tall. I will swat your shot so hard your mom will have to write you a note for all the school you'll be missing while doctors try to figure out the best way to remove the ball out of your ass. Pen Holder A gift made from your trash. You'll probably just end up stealing my pens out of it you dirty little street urchin. What happened to the playdough that is supposed to be in that cup? I bet you ate it like a dirty animal. Tissue paper flower Thanks for the toilet paper. I'll be thinking of how cheap you are when I wipe my ass. I bet it's not even two-ply. Popsicle Stick Picture Frame Yet another gift made from your trash and you're presumptuous enough to think I want your picture in it. Now everyday can remind me how cheap you are. What makes you think I want to look at you all day long? \"Hug Me\". \"Love Me\". You're needier than an anorexic teen. What happened to the Popsicles? You should have just given me the box of Popsicles instead. Drawing You have money for paint, brushes, crayons, markers, construction paper, glitter, stickers and glue, but you don't have enough money to buy me something? There's really no need to critique this here. We both know it sucks. Did you really think you could pass this off as a gift? Home made signs Thanks for advertising how cheap you are all over my yard. I'll probably get a fine from the city for having trash in my front lawn as well. How would you like it if I went and found some homeless guy and let him stand in your yard with a sign that said \"Will work for beer\"? He'd probably just stab you in your little eye and take the money you should have used to buy me a gift The good news is you'll have one less eye to see how crappy your art work looks. Then again maybe I could make you a paper eye-patch and we'll call it even Hand Prints on Items So you just dipped your hands in paint and put your dirty little handprints all over an apron. If I really thought your handprints were a gift then I would just put a bow on my refrigerator where there is already dozens of your ugly little prints. All your little handprint does is make me realize how much bigger and stronger I am than you are. I could crush you now and take your brand new XBOX 360. Gift Certificate for Back Rub Thanks for making me feel all creepy. First you're not even a licensed masseuse. Secondly, way to be a douche, Joey, by making it good for only 1. Thirdly, no one wants sticky little hands all over the back of their shirt and you know this. You know that after a couple of seconds of your sticky gummy bare hands on my back I'll say stop and you'll be free to go play with all the real gifts everyone else bought. Why not make it a coupon for something good like regrout my bathtub? What's wrong, scared of a little hard work? Next time some little kid tries to pawn of a crappy gift just hand them an empty plastic bottle and tell them you made them a boat. Before they even get done crying you can tell them that's how you feel when they give you their trash for gifts.

Nothing says “War On Christmas” like a bunch of lousy little gifts bought in bulk for $28K-a-year junior staffers, or the local crack addict ringing the (fake) Salvation Army bell outside the CVS, or the office shitbird who brings a $2 bottle of undrinkable Charles Shaw to your holiday party you spent a thousand bucks stocking with good food and wine, or the 6 lbs. of LL Bean and Crate & Barrel catalogs crammed in your broken mailbox every single day, or the giant DC rats gnawing through the caterer’s trash on Embassy Row, or the cheerful sight of an abandoned date-rape preppie gal passed out in the gutter a half block from Smith Point. Something really is the Reason for the Season, and that’s why we’ve spent far too much time preparing this special little Wonkette War On Xmas Gift Guide. We’ve got the stuff you need to purchase for your few friends and many enemies, after the jump. Cold War Unicorns — Remember the Cold War? It was awesome. Nothing really happened — other than the United States losing proxy wars in Korea and Vietnam and the USSR losing a proxy war in Afghanistan, thanks to American hero Osama bin Laden, and lots of other terrible stuff in Africa, Asia, Latin America and Eastern Europe. But there were great spy books by Ian Fleming and John Le Carre. And all the bad people were “communists” instead of “terrorists.” Good times. Relive the glory with these gay-ass unicorns. Cold War Unicorns Also at Pulp, 1803 14th St NW, Washington, DC 20009, (202) 462-7857. (Thanks Amy) And Happy Ramadan to you, Muslims! - Wonkette T-shirt Expressing Support For Medieval Crusades — Although the Catholic Church actually lost all the Crusades and Muslim forces had already successfully claimed huge chunks of Europe including Spain, Sicily, Majorca, Sardinia, southern Italy, Greece and the Balkans, for some reason it makes the proud 31% happy to talk about how great it would be to repeat the Crusades, because clearly the United States isn’t killing enough Muslims in Iraq and Afghanistan. This shirt has the extra bonus of featuring a Nazi Iron Cross as the illustration. Seldom has jingoistic ignorance and plain bad taste been so perfectly matched. (Or maybe it’s intentional. Remember, the Crusades in the Middle East had companion Crusades at home in Europe, where all the Christians who couldn’t make the trip south killed a proxy enemy: the Jews! The massacre of European Jewry during the Crusades wouldn’t be equaled until Hitler’s Holocaust.) Bring Back The Crusades Women’s Pink T-Shirt Totally unappealing! - Wonkette Bluetooth-enabled Sex Toy — Want to get a classless yet geeky sex toy for that Hill staffer gal you’ve been drunkenly hooking up with? Are you a Congressman who wants to use your la-*test*-('") young girlfriend’s vagina even when you’re far away taking bribes? We have the perfect gift idea: A “bullet” vibrator with a Bluetooth antenna wire on the end — your special lady keeps that part hanging out like a tampon string. When you’re “in the mood” to send filthy text messages at inappropriate moments, the vibrator part somehow gets activated by your gal pal’s own mobile phone. And then … oh hell, who cares. This is for dudes who have issues: Are you one of the many men who agonize over how to pleasure your woman? Don’t dismay — you are not alone. The mysteries of female sexual pleasure are often a frustration for men, but The Toy can alleviate that. Using this sensual pleasure toy to titillate your woman opens up a whole new world of sexual pleasure techniques. Use only as directed. May cause cervical cancer. The Toy Always kill your enemies in weird, convoluted ways ... it's in the Super Criminal Code! - Wonkette Polonium-210 — Political kingpins around the world watched in wonder as “former” KGB chief Vladimir Putin had his critic and ex-spy Alexander Litvinenko poisoned with a rare radioactive element. Ah ha, they all said, collectively, This kills the dissident while also sending a brutal message to other wannabe dissidents! Very nice, I like. For many on Capitol Hill and K Street, the obvious question is “Where can I buy that radioactive poison online and kill my enemies?” The answer is right here. Even better, the U.S. supplier is Area 51 whistleblower Bob Lazar, who now runs a science-supply company that is regularly raided by the same U.S. government that buys all his stuff. UFO Nut Sells Spy Poison Online 'Missed me!' - Wonkette Shitty Ronald Reagan Poster — Remember the Gipper? He was this guy who was once the president, and many “political people” still remember him today. Some of them, in fact, believe his animated corpse is still walking around the White House, or California, saying those charming things that weren’t really funny while George H.W. Bush actually ran the Executive Branch. Be a “Secret Santa” and get one of these creepy posters of the Undead Gipper for your least best friend. President Ronald Reagan 8”×10” Art Print Because baby jesus is sorry about what's going on down there - Wonkette Tiny Little Condoms — These days, gals on the Hill go crazy when you accidentally impregnate them because normal condoms are way too big for your penis. Worry no more! Special new “Capitool” condoms are available once again! Buy some for your favorite staffer today! Smaller Condoms - Four Seasons Tighter Fit Essential equipment for the ‘Citizen Journalist’ — We love the whole Citizen Journalist thing, because it means everyone is free to come up with bad theories, lame opinions, boring podcasts and lousy pictures taken with a mobile phone — and we can all laugh together, at them. So this special shop set up by our pals at Pajamas Media seemed pretty good: a decent little Canon PowerShot, an iPod to … listen to your own podcasts (?), memory cards, a nice mic/headset for sexytime interviewing other bloggers on Skype, and books by or about A.J. Liebling and George Orwell and famous blogger Glenn “Instapundit” Reynolds. But one of these items is not like the others. Pepper Spray. What sort of delusions would lead some blogger to think Pepper Spray was a real important thing to keep on hand? When the Islamic Terror Fascists finally start making Hugh Hewitt wear a burqa, is pepper spray going to help?

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